If you plan on sleeping with the quarterback...

After having been denied countless times by textsfromlastnight.com, my lovely tramp of a roommate and I decided it was time to take matters into our own hands. Blogs, social networking sites, and youtube are sweeping the nation, and so we said, "Fuck it, let's do this shit." And there you have it, we're ready to become the next internet phenomenon. Our goal is to get a phone call from Tyra within the next few months.

And now for the most infamous of tales, let's just call it the reason behind the shunning of Moe's.

One of the hot spots around our college is a nasty little burrito joint called Moe’s. I despise Moe’s because the rice is a funny color, the meat is sketchy, and they don’t have corn salsa, but that’s entirely beside the point. Let’s just say it’s no Chipotle. The place is a madhouse on Mondays because they have an event called, “Moe’s Mondays,” where you can get a burrito, chips, and a drink for $5 *. It’s a pretty sweet deal for college students who will ingest anything they can afford and one night before going out drinking my friends decided to take advantage of it. Now I opted to drink elsewhere that particular night but it was fine because we all reunited once we were nice and drunk. An overtly intoxicated TUOKI (Threw Up On...), who is a little bit on the slutty side, reported that she had met and given her number to the star quarterback of our college’s football team while she was out and that he was coming over. Everyone went into frenzy and began to text and call everyone they knew to alert them of the divine miracle that had occurred. After all, this guy was nothing short of a local celebrity. Ten minutes later we got a call from a very upset and sick TUOKI. The two of them had been going at it just as horny college kids should, and she threw up all over him. He was very nice about it given the circumstances; he helped her clean herself up a bit and then promptly left, at which point we walked in to find her naked at the toilet, throwing her entire life up. The quarterback was much nicer than we were; instead of helping her we immediately started photographing the ridiculous scene. After witnessing this and seeing the burrito guts she had projected everywhere I can tell you right now that none of us returned to Moe’s for at least two weeks. The best part of the story is that he left his championship watch in her dorm so she had to swallow what little pride she had managed to salvage and deliver it to him a few days later.

Moral of the story, kids: Never go to Moe's before power hour.

*Only one of us thinks this of Moe's, I think anything cheap and tasty is a gift sent from above.